Wait, what?
About a month ago my boyfriend and I were in the car on the way home from a workout when we experienced being the victims of road rage. Here's what went down:
We were stopped at a red light, looking to turn right. Typically you can sneak in the shoulder next to any cars stopped at the light and turn right on red, but this time there was a large truck in front of me so we wouldn't fit. We stopped, with the right turn blinker on, and waited for the light to turn green. A car pulled up behind us with their blinker on as well. The lady driving clearly couldn't see that my way was blocked and that was why we were stopped. She started honking, then madly waving her arms, and clearly yelling things at us - frustrated that we weren't turning. There was nothing to do besides wait.
The light turned green, we turned right, and she followed. At the next stop sign she pulled up next to us, rolled down her window and started screaming obscenities and flipped us off, prior to driving away.
When she drove off we noticed that she had a child strapped into a car seat in the backseat of her car.
During my yoga classes that week, I told this story. I told it with the message that this incident made me sad for the child (and for the state of humanity) but also made me thankful. Thankful for my personal yoga practice, one that keeps me calm and level headed as well as thankful for my students. Those who go to yoga classes to improve their own headspace, to create calm for themselves, to be less reactive, and who go out into the world and can help balance out people like said road rage lady. I asked my students that week to thank themselves.
A few days ago I received a phone call from one of the owners of a studio I teach in. She had gotten a complaint from a student about that very story. The student felt I was judgemental towards mothers, she didn't like that I had told that story, and she was offended.
Wait, what?
I immediately ran through an entire range of emotions: sadness that I disappointed someone, disbelief over what I was hearing, frustration because I (and every other yoga instructor) try so hard to bring positivity and learning to our classes and students, and self doubt - had I really done something wrong and was I a bad teacher?
I put myself in that student's shoes to think about the situation. I've definitely been offended by something that someone says or writes in the past, so I understand that feeling, I think we all do. I thought about it from as many angles as I could. I had discussions with others about the situation.
This is what I think.
If you are the one being accused of doing the offending:
1. Ask yourself, and truly ask yourself, were you offensive? Did you (intentionally or unintentionally) hurt someone's feelings? It happens, we aren't perfect. And if the answer is yes, apologize.
2. Is there something you could do differently next time you are in a similar situation? A different viewpoint you could have or way to approach something? Something else you need to consider before speaking or acting?
3. Once you've evaluated the above questions, believe in yourself. When you are unapologetically you, when you are your true self, when you are challenging yourself and others, you will offend people. Not everyone will like you or what you stand for. That's okay. You aren't for everyone, and everyone isn't for you. You do not, and cannot, make everyone happy - don't try to. Remember that you can't control how others react to you, and most of that has to do with them, not with you.
If you are the one who finds yourself feeling offended:
1. Ask yourself, was that person truly being offensive? Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it's no. Maybe you took something out of context or misunderstood something.
2. Ask yourself, is the reason you're offended because of you (not them)? Often the things that upset us do so because they are a reflection of something negative or an insecurity within ourselves. Is this an opportunity to grow? What caused you to feel offended? Because that is an emotion that you control, not one somebody can force on you.
3. Decide - does this person who offended you need to know that they did so? Would it benefit you and them for them to know that they somehow upset you? If yes, do it yourself. We live in a world where anonymity and disconnection (quite often via the internet) make it easy for us to feel justified in giving criticism to others from a safe distance, when we would never actually say anything to them face to face. In my opinion, this is cowardly. If you have something to say to someone - say it to them. Directly. Not through a social media channel. Not by going to someone else to complain. Say it to their face - that way you can open up a conversation and line of communication. And if the answer is no, than say nothing at all. You don't have to be around them, you don't have to take their classes, you don't have to follow them on Facebook if you don't like what they say. Nobody is forcing you to.
Ultimately, I don't believe I did anything wrong in this situation. I believe in my message, I believe in the point I was attempting to share with my students, I believe I was being me. I never wish for anyone I come in contact with to feel negative emotions that they perceive are caused by me, but I cannot control how people react to me. The best I can do is offer myself as an open book, to welcome and foster conversation and communication, and to say it clearly - if you ever feel the need to express discontent with something I've said or done, express it directly to me and let's talk.
LP
